RELATIONSHIP, JEALOUSY and TRUST

A Relationship is the emotional bond that is formed between two or more people. A relationship develops by communication and getting to know others.
We all disagree and disconnect in various ways from one another from time to time – it is normal; it is what happens after the disagreement or disconnection that will determine whether the relationship grows or dies.
If there is one thing that can create havoc in your relationship, it’s falling into hidden relationship traps. And if you stay in those traps for long periods of time or just keep falling in them and you can’t figure out why or how, your relationship can end up feeling empty and could even end. Now, we all fall into these traps every now and then because we are human, but the happiest couples don’t stay there but rather figure out ways to not fall in them very often.
Here are 3 common sneaky, hidden relationship traps we easily fall into:
1.    The Defending trap
Defending comes so natural and easy to so many of us when we think
    a. We haven’t been treated fairly
    b. We haven’t been understood
    c. We are afraid we won’t get our way
    d. We are not appreciated
    e. Someone thinks differently than we think
    f. We think we are right and the other person is wrong
Defense rises inside us so quickly we don’t even have time to recognize it before we have said or done something that pushes the other person further away. If defending is a pattern for you and you want to stop it (or at least slow it down), start recognizing what you do when you get hooked and then breathe. Taking a breath will allow some space for conscious action instead of unconscious action from habit.
2.    The Blame trap
It is so easy to blame the other person for something you see as a problem; and if we don’t blame the other person, we blame ourselves and continue to blame ourselves. An example of the Blame trap is when you find yourself saying “you never……” or “you always…….”, instead you might use a phrase like “I’m wondering if you’d be willing to talk about……?” or “ I know its not your intention, but this is how I feel when you say or do………”.
If you use this phrase “ I know its not your intention,” you are saying that even though I was hurt, I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me. You get to say what you need to say and there’s a greater chance that the other person will stay open to listening to you if they don’t feel attacked. You are simply offering them information and an opportunity for understanding.
3.    The ‘Taking your partner for granted’ trap
This is an easy trap one can fall into after you have been together for a while. It is easy to say things to your partner that you would never say to anyone else because the other person would be ‘hurt’ and maybe take it wrong and your partner supposedly wouldn’t.
Somehow, there is a rationalization that after you have been committed to one another, you can speak to each other any way you want or ignore what your partner does that is right in favor of pointing out what is wrong. When you fall into this trap, it becomes an habit and your connection, love and respect for one another starts to fade.
Other relationship builders include the following:
    Be predictable
When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, ‘what’s up? Why is he/she doing that? He/she has never done that before. That is so unlike him/her. Any movement away from the predictable behavior/pattern becomes suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust and avoid jealousy. Be consistent in what you do, this doesn’t mean you must be boring; be spontaneous and fun loving, but be spontaneous consistently.    

    Make sure your words match the message
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is he/she to believe – this can waste a tremendous amount of energy and he/she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.  Remember, trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that.
   State who YOU are – loudly
It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. Most times we tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there; you are concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, or he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life?
Take time to reflect on your standards for a relationship, what standards you hold for yourself or what do you order your life around, what are the top values in your life etc. Once determined, begin to let your partner know. They will respect you and know you more deeply and thank you for the opportunity to know. They trust and count on you and know exactly what is behind and within you.
   Learn to say No
Sometimes you need to say No! Often it is crucial to say No! Saying No set boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line; you stop tolerating that which drains energy and make you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you.
    Dig into the Dirt.
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the foundation from which our lives are shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions and fears. Remember, obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult and trust that in this embracing you will find more of your TRUE self.

JEALOUSY is an emotion that typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. The emotion - Jealousy triggers anger.
It has been proven that underneath jealousy is fear of one kind or another or a vindictive or desire for revenge either misguided or otherwise. Even when there is justification for this reaction, jealousy and anger are not beneficial ways to deal with such situations and get what we want.
In overcoming jealousy, you need to isolate the cause of jealousy, focus on eliminating the jealousy trigger and build up your self-esteem.
The tips below act as guidelines to prevent jealous reactions:
1.    Recovering personal power - You get control of your emotions and refrain from the reactive behavior
2.    Shift your point of view - Step back from the story in your mind. This will give you a gap of time in which to refrain from a jealous or angry reaction and do something else.
3.    Identify the core beliefs that trigger the emotional reaction - Take time to analyze why you feel the way you do; and if you feel you are right. Talk to your partner about it.
4.    Become aware that the beliefs in your mind are not true. This is different than knowing intellectually that the stories are not true. Unless you have a good reason to be jealous, you should not harp on your partner.
5.    Develop control over your attention so you can consciously choose what story plays in your mind and what emotions you feel. Don’t feel negatively about yourself. Self confidence (not egotistical) is very attractive and if you remind yourself to think positive when negative feelings come up, you will eventually develop a habit of doing so.
6.    Don’t control your relationship – You can’t control the other person and by attempting to do so, you are setting yourself up for failure. Even if they seem to comply with your demands, everyone has a mind of their own. If you feel like you can’t trust them unless you are privy to every second of their time and life, you will push them away. This is a no win situation.
7.    Be a trustworthy friend to your partner - Be more than the person they love, be their friend also. If your partner knows they can trust you implicitly, then the relationship will be stronger and reasons for feeling jealous will disappear.

TRUST means placing confidence in someone to be honest with you, faithful to you, keep promises, vows and confidences and not abandon you. Trusting another person requires a realistic perspective about people and an expectation of failure.
The foundation of any relationship is TRUST and trust can be strengthened or broken. Once there is a breach in Trust, other harmful emotions creep in such as Jealousy. Jealousy can be fed daily if the wronged party feels that the partner has not been forthcoming enough in explanation and/or apologetic.
Even though newlyweds live together, they still need to work on building trust in their marriage. Trust is the glue that holds couples together even though they face great challenges. Without trust, couples are likely to split in times of crises, fail at getting intimate and have doubts about each other.  
Trust can be built through:
1.    Being truthful
Unless you are planning a surprise party for your spouse, you should never lie to your husband or wife. Even small lies such as saying you are working late when you are out with friends are a bad idea. You’ll likely get caught and suddenly your spouse will be wondering what else you’re lying about.
2.    Setting Boundaries
The green monster – Jealousy tends to rear its ugly head and threaten trust when couples don’t set boundaries with those outside their marriage. If you know it bothers your spouse when you flirt with that co-worker, then keep it professional. Make sure your spouse knows that he or she is your number one priority and takes precedence over all others.
3.    Being trusting yourself
Unless your partner gives you a real reason to mistrust or doubt his or her honesty, you should trust him or her. You should never accuse your spouse of cheating or lying to you unless you have hard evidence. Without proof, you’ll just create an air of mistrust. It’ll make your partner doubt your honesty too. You should have faith in your husband or wife’s faithfulness and honesty.
4.    Being reliable
Follow through on your promises big and small. If you tell your spouse you are going to meet him at 8pm, then be there on time. The big ones such as fidelity and being there though sickness and health, for richer or poorer also fall under this umbrella.

In conclusion it is important to know that in every moment, it’s up to you to create your current reality and take responsibility for what’s happening here and now. When you dwell on what has happened in the past, that’s what you will draw to you and if you consciously dwell on what you want for your experience today instead of what you don’t want, that’s what will draw to you.

The choice to have a perfect relationship is yours to make!