As they danced, through the crowd I pondered …

”how will she cope marrying a Hausa man, sighs- I mean  even if he’s not Muslim…he didn’t have to be for me to predict that they will have serious issues’….. I could only wish her the best, after all its her choice.

My mum wept her eyes till she could cry no more…

My sister so believed in novels the whole fantasy love theme though we all didn’t feel the same as her she stubbornly went on and now she’s married to a total stranger (well to me and my mum)

Funny enough she’s happier than I thought …the first call I got from her after her wedding was surprising …”she told me of how her husband would tease her of murdering his language and that he was learning Igbo faster than she was…”humph”, did I hear right my sister wasn’t complaining at all, in fact she was in heaven – OMG!

That’s when I decided to visit her and discuss her fears and joys of being married to a man from another tribe and culture.

In ancient times our parents used to disagree with letting their sons especially daughters marry from another tribe except theirs but now it’s totally a different story; it seems like people who marry from other tribes/culture even have it sweeter literarily.

In today's global world, it’s easier than ever before to meet – and find common ground – with someone from another country and culture. Although exciting, marrying someone with a background very different from your own has the potential to challenge you in ways that you might not predict.
Traditional marriage can be Intra-tribal (marriage of people of the same tribe) and Inter-tribal (marriage of people of different tribes). Unlike before when the intra-tribal marriages were common, inter-tribal marriage is fast growing in Nigeria of today. This is as a result of interactions in social places like schools, offices, religious centers and camps etc.

We witnessed an inter-tribal marriage volume from the just concluded “Dream-wedding competition” and have come to a conclusion that 50% of marriages in Nigeria are intertribal. For Example a marriage between an Igbo girl (from south-East of Nigeria) and a hausa man (from north-central of Nigeria), is totally going to need the following to pull through no matter how much civilization has come to stay.

The truth is, some of those marriages did not work out, while others did.

Marriages break up all the time, even among people from the same village, district, clan or tribe. Do people believe, that inter-tribal or inter-cultural differences are so strong, that they cannot be surmounted and the couple involved cannot go ahead to have happy marriages, despite their differences?

I feel that while some people are busy relishing their inter-tribal differences and using their diversity to form bonds of strength, others are too busy seeing their inter-tribal differences as a source of potential conflict. And because they are too weak to confront, address and conquer these differences, they shy away from such relationships, and run around preaching the gospel of "marry within your clan"…maybe! It was Emerson who coined the phrase “unity in diversity".  To be diversified in general is a very good first step.  However, it seems to me that unity in diversity is the greater call and aim.  This unity requires a certain quality of heart and some other factors that I will be discussing with you in the below sub topics.

Unity -

It brings different families and friends together. It bestows honor on the bride and her family, particularly her parent. She is also respected for bringing honor to her family. How else can you explain the National Youth Service Corp Vision, it was put in place to ensure unity in our vast diversity… in other words mingle wherever you find yourself and get married, right?

Examples of Iconic intertribal marriages in Nigeria …

-          (Fmr.) President of Nigeria Chief Olusegun Obasanjo

-          (Fmr.) President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Babangida

-          Ifeoma Williams (first Lux beauty queen)

-          Carol Ekanem Danjuma

-         

Gender Roles – Act the Part

Extended Family - Learn

You may have grown up visiting your grandparents only twice a year, but a different tribal spouse might come from a large extended family where everyone is hands-on with the baby, women defer to a family matriarch, and grown sons are expected to financially support elderly parents. Learn the family structure and etiquette of your own spouse’s culture and upbringing, and prepare to be more yielding than you might be in a same-culture marriage.

 

Prejudices and Social Attitudes

No matter how liberal and open-minded your spouse appears to be, she might harbor subtle prejudices or occasionally display a bigoted opinion. Culture often plays a role in such attitudes. Be aware of common prejudices and prevalent social attitudes of your spouse’s culture before you find yourself disliking the person you married -- or disliking the country you moved to.

 

Religion – Make up your minds before ‘yes I do’

While you may feel supportive of each other’s faiths, spirituality grows and wanes – and this has the potential to displace previous expectations. Issues such as modesty, socializing, religious observances, holiday celebrations, dietary restrictions, and in what religion to raise the children need to be looked at from both conservative and liberal points of view.

 

Childrearing

Even couples from the same culture clash on issues such as discipline techniques. But there are extra parenting dilemmas in intercultural marriages – and debating whether or not to raise bilingual children is only one concern. Social norms around the world vary greatly with regard to showing affection, catering to children’s whims, involvement of family, appropriate gender play and roles, behavioral and scholastic expectations, and more. Be in agreement not to undermine each other’s unique parenting styles, more so raise them bilingually(teaching them both your languages) instead of just yours(mum).

 

Where to Live

It sounds exciting and exotic to think about living in a new environment especially overseas, but the reality might not be so peachy, especially if your destination is a less-developed part of the world. A foreign language, separation from family, and misunderstandings with in-laws and new acquaintances can overwhelm an expatriate. While such a move might not seem likely while you’re in the newlywed period, the chances might increase if you have children and your foreign-born spouse strongly believes that “home” is a better environment or feels it's time to immerse the children in the other culture. You have to make wherever you decide to live ‘A HOME’, for your partner to feel belonging. As much as possible please live in same place, not one in Lagos and the other in Abuja this will bond your life styles as one.

 

Introducing Families

This totally depends on the nature of the people involved. Are a majority of them friendly and talkative? A small intimate dinner party just for family might work then… Even if one side of the family is reserved (many Hausa’s are, in a strange social setting), a larger group with some sort of activity might work better.

1) In our case my family met most of my in-laws (except the parents who spent half the year travelling all over the world) in an informal setting, a picnic in one case, a shopping trip in another. It was fun and we got comfy with each other faster than I thought …………..…. says Eno married to a Yoruba.

2) I let my spouse negotiate with the in-laws but it has got me into tricky situations too where my ideas were somewhat diluted and conveyed… Sometimes the spouse does not *get* how strongly you feel about something, so it’s best to do it yourself if you are not sure about that………. Coming from Preye an Ijaw bride married to a Yoruba.

About the huge Igbo wedding, I totally understand you. I had 1000 people for my own wedding and knew only 200 of them personally! But I think it’s sort of a precondition to marrying an Igbo! This is a HUGE concern for Igbo parents, believe me they like the elaaborate, I’d suggest you leave this battle alone. How about an intimate wedding and a huge reception for everyone later? So you escape the negative energy for the wedding at least!

 

Personality

As in any marriage, this is one of the most important aspects to consider – and remember to be honest about your own personality as well. Some people are easy-going and adapt readily to new ideas and attitudes, while others may be prone to self-righteousness or taking an unyielding stance. Cross cultural marriages have less chance of succeeding if both partners can’t be open, flexible and good-natured about the unexpected curve balls that come their way.

Sometimes a person doesn’t even know they’re getting into an intercultural marriage, since both might be the same tribe, race, income, and education level. But families can be very different.

But if you know you’re going to be married to someone not of your culture, there are a few things to think about. First of all, don’t do it just because it seems like it would be cool. It looks cool from the outside, but that wow factor quickly gets old.

I don’t hear my husband’s  Yoruba accent anymore accent anymore says Oby who’s married to a Deola a Yoruba man; therefore it is no longer exotic to me. But the differences are still something we stumble upon. And they can be harder to overcome than the typical marriage.

A successful intercultural marriage is beautiful, but not because of what it looks like from the outside. It’s because of how much work it took to overcome the obstacles to communicate and understand each other well. The experience of the marriage will probably be different for both. One spouse will live in the state/country of origin and the other will be a stranger in a strange land. It’s important for the spouse who is at home in the land to support the out of place spouse. Don’t make fun of or put down any lack of understanding about the culture. Try to learn some or all of your spouse’s native language. Bring the positive parts of the culture into your home if possible.

 

Food:

In general, in any kind of family life, sharing a meal is an important bonding time. There are going to be dishes your spouse loves that you hate.  It is important to try to establish your palate for things your spouse likes. You won’t be able to do this for everything, but when you can’t it doesn’t mean their food is bad. Don’t put down their food or them because they like it. It may be one of the few things of their culture that they can experience in the new land. Find dishes that are good for everyone to eat at the table, and then situations where both can have the food you like which the spouse hates. A good way to do this is to go to restaurants occasionally, or eat the meal you want at a mealtime where you aren’t sitting down together such as lunch. Learn to prepare at least two of his meals for the women and men learn to eat her tribal meals at least 2.

 

Language – the reason for the season…lol

Tolu my friend says: “Well for me, I  did not feel out of place with the tribe I got married into maybe because I understand the language so well and have a lot of Yoruba friends…Language is key though we can walk around it, by trying to learn a little.

And again I did not get any of the racial attitudes associated with such union.

“What I am trying to say is that for what it is worth, my marriage to my husband could have been one done with a man from my tribe if not better” - heaven on earth. Support for the non-native language spouse will vary depending on how fluent they are in the new language. Sometimes they’ll never become fluent enough to get certain things done like important paperwork such as taxes, insurance, etc. (Of course, that can be hard for the native speaker!) Getting married to another tribe probably means you’ll have to take on those kinds of tasks. But it is very important that your spouse becomes fluent enough in the new language to feel comfortable and make friends outside of your home. Help them come into social and safe situations where they can only communicate using the language of the new land. I’ve found this is especially troublesome for the stay at home mother who is in a new country. I’ve seen old women who’ve lived for decades who never learned the language. They are confined to a very limited social circle, though often these women are also married to men of their culture. But if you’re fluent in your spouse’s native language and they work at home, then it is very important you help them get out and have opportunities where they’re required to speak the new language. Language gives a sense of belonging/identity.

But it is also important to establish a circle of friends who are native the country of your spouse’s origin. Depression is common among immigrants, especially in their first few years, and is a stage of culture shock... of which only you can help them find as much social support as possible is very good, since these friends have all been there and done that. Very often among this group there will be other intercultural marriages, and friends like that can be good for both of you since they’re familiar with the particular differences you have to work with.

 

Read – knowledge is key!

Try to read literature and/or watch TV and movies from their land. Not only will it expand your horizons and help you understand their culture, but it will expand the cultural experience that you both share. Not untill Tola from Surulere watched her husband’s favorite Movie ‘Things Fall apart’ about the Strong warrior of the Eastern part, did she really understand some core values of the Igbo’s. The most important thing is to follow that golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Try to put yourself in the place of your spouse and then act towards them the way you would want someone to help you...treat others the way you want to be treated.

Cultural Compromise

In the Yoruba tradition, where the bride’s family handles so much in the marriage ceremony unlike some other tribes it may be a problem to the Igbo’s who prefer that the husbands people carry the bulk of the wedding ceremony, there will be need for compromise and understanding. Each tribe in Nigeria has its own wedding traditions. Some tribes dig up banana trees and replant them outside the church where the ceremony is taking place for good luck. Other tribes have both a traditional tribal ceremony and a church wedding. Still others simply start living together and call themselves married like the West (Yoruba’s), it’s okay for them to live together before marriage.

In Africa precisely Nigerian wedding ceremonies family is very important – as it is with all aspects of African culture. A wedding is more than joining two people together. It is the joining of two families, two tribes, and even two cultures in the case of an intercultural marriage.

It’s simply beautiful and exciting to marry from another clan/tribe/culture, it adds color to your wedding day unlike for same tribes …
Just Relax and enjoy the journey.