KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE STRONG
It can also be termed as the legal union of a man and woman to cohabit together as husband and wife in a permanent institution that, once entered into, cannot be dissolved except by the death of one of the spouses or divorce.
I feel, the best definition of marriage was summed up beautifully by Beverly on her appearance on the TV program – Shall we dance, when asked of her definition of marriage, “We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet, what does anyone’s life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things and the mundane things - all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I would witness it’. We are all living a mundane life, what with all the work and routines that we have to perform. And when we leave this earth when our time is up, if there is no one to share our lives with, there is no legacy to leave behind. But all that changes when we meet our significant other. Then we decided to get married, so that we can share our lives together. It is this significant other that will bear witness to our ups and downs in life. How we grit our teeth through the tough years and how we share our wealth through the good years. That significant other is the one who will witness your legacy.” This is so true!
There have been very many misconceptions (myths) about marriage for centuries and most of the myths should be completely removed from our minds before we get married and if already married and we still hold to these myths, I would advise you, LET GO!
MYTH 1 – THERE IS A PERFECT MAN/WOMAN OUT THERE
It is important to remember that we are flesh and therefore NO ONE is perfect. This myth has destroyed a lot of marriages and delayed a lot that would have happened.
Remember, to accept his/her weaknesses and failures. You were meant to complete your spouse. If he is an extrovert, then you be an introvert etc.
Couples should avoid common behavior that is likely to make a dent in their relationship (retaliating when hurt), this harmful behavior must stop.
Do not have unrealistic expectations of/ from your spouse - the high paying job, the beautiful house and the vacations may never come true but ALWAYS treat your spouse with kindness and courtesy.
Refrain from being unduly jealous.
Above all, be a dependable spouse, keep your promises otherwise he/she will lose trust.
To err is human, to forgive is divine.
MYTH 2 - SPEND ALL YOUR LEISURE TIME TOGETHER. AND BE SUSPICIOUS IF YOUR SPOUSE WANTS TIME AWAY FROM YOU.
A few years back, this would have sent alarm bells ringing in the woman (especially) - "Warning, marriage on the rocks ahead!" If a wife (or husband) says that he/she would have drinks or hang out with friends after work, an insecure spouse would have painted different scenarios in their minds and arrive at often more than not the wrong conclusions.
It is likely to have friends who are not part of the ‘couple’ group. Couples aren't so narrow-minded anymore, they have outside interests and hobbies that expose them to a greater range of people and most husbands and wives have also worked for several years before marriage, developing a wider network of job-related friends. These relationships are coveted and continue to be nurtured post-wedding.
There should be a degree of flexibility between husbands and wives that should be acceptable to both parties in their marriage.
Occasionally go out with friends without your spouse. It's normal and even necessary, and will enrich your marriage and eliminate the feeling of ‘suffocation’ most felt at a point in the marriage.
MYTH 3 - HUSBANDS AND WIVES SHOULD DIVIDE HOUSEWORK, EQUALLY. AT LEAST, THEY BOTH WORK.
Ok, here I think I would often the senses of the feminist among us; but in this part of our world (AFRICA), men DON’T do house chores. I would advise that rather than make this an issue, talk with your husband and ask for his help. This approach works better than making issues of it which would make your husband hold/stand firm to his beliefs (if he is a traditional African man). Do chores according to whichever partner has the appropriate skills, time and inclination to do them.
Most of us would be shocked to find out that the reverse can also be the case where some ladies believe it’s too old-fashioned to expect them to do house chores.
Ladies, we are HOME MAKERS!
Today, it's a given that men contribute to housework, because of the feminism's impact on the family, young men have grown up in homes in which they have been not only expected to pitch in, but were taught many of the skills from cooking to cleaning by their mothers, to make it happen. The once much-touted ideal of a 50-50 division of labor, which, though some certainly saw as a "rule," never became a reality in most households; is no longer even a goal for young couples today.
Husbands are expected to be sensitive to their wife's needs and the changing demands of running a home.
It's good for the cooperative spirit of your marriage to periodically review together all household tasks - Who has better skills to cook? To invest savings? Who wants to make sure that certain chores are even done? For example, if a husband couldn't care less whether the bed is made daily, but his wife feels that coming home to a "visually ordered bedroom" gives her solace, making the bed becomes her task. For this same couple, washing the kitchen floor and cleaning the toilet may be a chore neither volunteers to do. So they may give up a luxury item in their budget in order to hire a cleaning person, which majority of homes are inclined towards.
MYTH 4 - TO HAVE A STRONG MARRIAGE, CHOOSE A PARTNER WHO SHARES THE SAME BACKGROUND AS YOU.
The satisfaction of a couple in their relationship is less a result of how similar their expectations and values are in the first place. It's much more influenced by how they positively resolve decisions that come up from what religion to raise their children to how often in-laws should be visited, from the importance of education to the importance of career growth.
A husband and wife with identical upbringings can turn out to have a difficult marriage if they also each have a ‘dig-in-my-heels-to-get-my-way’ attitude. Whereas a couple who comes from opposite sides of the social circle will have an enriching relationship if their priority is to embrace their different backgrounds as a good thing, while growing their love through compromise.
One of the best ways to compromise on a difficult issue, is to each write out what your ideal outcome would be, followed by a list of small changes you'd be willing to make, to move nearer to a compromise. Putting your thoughts on paper is important, because it helps you stay focused on your main points, and, when your partner shares his written points with you, there's less likelihood that you'll get caught up over the semantics of speech. For example, if a husband, who comes from a large extended family, wants to brunch with the entourage every Sunday, but his new wife, who grew up an only child and prefers quieter outings, doesn't want to commit to booking every weekend this way, a session with pen and paper can help them see that at least a few options are evident. They could cut down on the frequency of visiting his family to a more comfortable (for her) one Sunday a month. Or, instead of spending an entire afternoon eating and carousing, limit the get-together to an hour. Her husband could also see his family every other weekend by himself and she could be flexible about visiting more for holidays and birthday celebrations.
Remember, it's not so much what you bring to your marriage that counts, but what you make of it that ultimately matters. For a strong union, it doesn't matter if your backgrounds are different; your negotiating and compromising skills are more important.
MYTH 5 - NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY. HASH OUT EVERY CONFLICT BEFORE GOING TO BED.
The marriage folklore has basically entrenched that every disagreement must be settled before the day is over. We all know the popular biblical saying; Do not allow the sun to set on your wrath.
Many of us have accepted the premise that if we don't address disputes at once, all that unresolved conflict just festers inside us and we'll wake up angrier each day, until someone finally explodes over an insignificant issue. Ideally, we would all be able to truly forgive every slight and make up before bedtime. But guess what! No one is that perfect.
Let’s be realistic, there is no way any disagreement can be settled amicably if both parties are still blowing hot. Oftentimes, nothing gets resolved; the partners just get more and more furious. When people are overwhelmed by emotions like anger, they experience what psychologists call flooding - a physiological response that leaves their hearts pounding and their concentration shot, to say nothing of their ability to resolve arguments fairly or amicably.
It is advisable to sleep on it.
It has been proven that we have some of our best ideas when we sleep, because the mind is at peace and new ideas can flow and more can be achieve. I would advise that, we don’t allow the next day pass by without resolving the disagreement. The most important part of this being achieved is dependent on the woman been readily available to keep her cool and talk to her husband in a calm, respectful, non-dictatorial manner and with justifiable facts. Couples should set aside a moment every night to focus on what's good about their marriage. Then, no matter what — if you're angry, if he's angry, or if you're both exhausted — kiss good night for six seconds. Sure sometimes you will be so mad or tired that the kiss will last for six nanoseconds. But the essence is to remind you of your enduring affection, and besides — long kisses often lead to something even better than conversation though, that's not to say that conflicts don't have to be dealt with.
To make sure disputes don't get swept under the bed sheets, short ‘How we are faring’ meeting each week (just not at bedtime) should be held. Take turns telling each other something about your marriage or your partner that you appreciated that week, and then afterward each of you gets to bring up one issue.
Remember, conflicts are best dealt with when you have calmed down and are well rested.
MYTH 6 – AS YOU GROW OLDER, YOU DRIFT APART AND THE LOVE FADES.
The myth is that some couples just drift apart as their personalities change or their interests diverge. But experts say if you look closely at most happy twosomes, you'll be amazed at how little they actually have in common, as shared interests or even similar temperaments are no assurance of marital longevity.
A marriage doesn't run on feelings — it thrives because both spouses work hard on it. They survive because they understand that they are a team, and they work to find ways to come together, whether in a crisis or in good times.
The truth is, we all prone to change and it is a constant occurrence, thus making it a blessing. A life without change or motion is boring. Even though we change, that does not tone down the constant need for husband and wife to check-in regularly with each other and all the little marital compromises and negotiations make you both feel happy and involved in each other's evolving lives. That way, you can grow together, rather than apart, and, if anything, feel more in love than ever.
MYTH 7 - SEX IS LESS IMPORTANT THE LONGER YOU ARE MARRIED. YOU LOSE INTEREST.
The idea that midlife couples settle into sexual hibernation just isn't true. In fact, many report that intimacy improves as the years go by. After all, once they get through their early-relationship trials and errors, they find a sexual style that makes them both happy. For many wives, sex certainly doesn't deteriorate in midlife, on the contrary, in a recent study, 64 percent of women surveyed attested that after they reached menopause, their sex lives either stayed on course or got even better.
What makes intimacy more satisfying is the comfort married couples develop with talking about what doesn't work for them and — perhaps more important — what does. In fact, some psychologists recently found that partners' communication about what they wanted sexually was linked to their being happy with the sex itself. Since talking about sex is key to sexual satisfaction itself, make it a priority to talk about it regardless of whether you think your sex life is already OK or not. Naturally, even if you both communicate perfectly well about everything else under the sun, it may feel awkward or even embarrassing to suddenly start giving your husband explicit sexual pointers. So ease into the subject. If it occurs to you that you've done it exactly the same way 33 times in a row, you could say, "I can't remember the last time we made love with the lights on, can you?" Sexual reminiscing may not lead to a romantic interlude, but it will get you talking. And the safer each of you feels in expressing what you like and don't like, the easier it is to make adjustments that can ramp up the sexual satisfaction on both sides of the bed.
To make sure your bedroom stays rocking, here are three pointers. First, it's kissing, touching — the softer side of a physical relationship — that helps couples feel loved, stay close and set off fireworks. Rev up amorous action by increasing that foreplay (which sometimes gets forsaken due to tiredness, busyness or laziness).
Second, don't underestimate the aphrodisiac value of anticipation. On a Monday, planning and then looking forward to a scheduled special booty date on Friday night is hot stuff. It keeps you two in a heightened, positive state of what's ahead down the road.
And third, be open to spontaneity as well — an attitude that lets you, at a moment's impulse, come together, even spurred on by something as simple as whispering to him "I can't get enough of you" in a mid-afternoon phone chat.
Remember to keep marriage sexually satisfying — no matter how many anniversaries have passed.
MYTH 8 - A COUPLE'S ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, ALWAYS TAKES A BACKSEAT WHEN THEY BECOME PARENTS.
There's no surprise that the time, energy and sacrifices involved in parenting can zap your zest for romance. Most times, the arrival of a first child is one of the least happy times in many marriages, as most parents adjust to a tremendous level of stress and change.
But unlike most married couples in recent years, many of whom wait until they're older to have children (and have fewer of them), are more aware than ever that the happiness of their offspring is greatly influenced by the state of their marriage. So nurturing the marriage is paramount — through regular dates, couple getaways, candlelit dinners at home. But, interestingly, the impetus isn't only to keep kids secure now young couples see their relationship as Job One - the thing that ultimately will make them happy and are aware of how easily that commitment can slip away. It's a selfish attitude that ends up working to the benefit of all.
Most parents have pangs of sadness when the kids are finally gone, moments when the house seems impossibly quiet. Some couples really do struggle but many renew their commitment to each other. With the kids out of the house, marriages can bloom — when there is a sense of shared purpose.
When your kids move out, keep your life full and your relationship central. Compile lists of what you and your husband can do now that you couldn't before, whatever it is, make sure it's something you both enjoy as you rediscover each other.
Your marriage can flourish in this new freedom.
MYTH 9 - THE TRUE TEST OF A MARRIAGE IS HOW WELL YOU GET THROUGH THE BIG CRISES.
No one can deny that major upheavals — a job loss, family illness or death, betrayal — can rock a relationship, and that weathering these storms can deepen your bond. But research has found that it is your daily give-and-take that more accurately sets your relationship's tone and thereby predicts long-term success.
To make sure your give-and-take is the right kind to sail through a storm? Strengthen your marriage through ‘daily rituals of connection,’ like kissing hello and good-bye, briefly checking in during work hours, asking about each other's day at dinner, picking up treats for each other, holding hands, leaving thoughtful notes.
Sound easy! Too many couples brush aside these rituals in the hubbub of life. And here's the key: When you reach out to connect, give yourself over to the love task completely. For example, don't ask about his job as you're getting something from the fridge and wiping your kid's nose. If you make it your mantra to "Devote attention to your spouse in a hundred different ways," that attitude will rub off in your daily interactions and ultimately will determine your connections during those high hurdles.
Similarly, steer clear of little, frequent twinges of negativity — such as name-calling, put-downs and cold shoulders. These are hurtful habits that can break down the mesh of resiliency you will need to see you through down times.
The general belief is that every guy has a midlife crisis — any day, your spouse will drive off in a new sports car; that men sometimes do crazy things when they reach a certain age. But most psychologists agree that most of us (both male and female) will go through a period of midlife re-evaluation. Actually, this period of reexamination is a healthy part of development.
As people move into their 40s, 50s, and beyond, their perspectives shift which is a natural, inevitable transitions, and the best approach to dealing with them is to learn what you can and follow where they lead you. Fortunately, most people do; a recent poll by volunteermatch.org found that more than half of those over 55 are looking forward to starting new chapters in their lives. Not only are these corrections good for us as individuals, they also seem to invigorate our relationships.
People in their 40s and 50s feel they have more control over their work, their finances, and their marriages, reports a multi-university study. Some crisis, huh! Instead of worrying about his issues, focus on whether you are ripe for reinvention yourself. Rediscover your priorities, and above all, don't feel you're being selfish by pursuing your passion; what’s good for you is good for your marriage, too.
The little, everyday things — both positive and negative — are what really determine a relationship's success.
MYTH 10 – SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING TO HELP A TROUBLED MARRIAGE.
Many young husbands and wives want to prevent marital meltdown before problems heat up. They've seen the havoc that the divorces of their parents' generation have wreaked. So there's no stigma about attending marriage seminars — at colleges, through houses of worship and via ‘relationship’ conventions, that teach practical communication and compromise skills. In fact, newlyweds are admired for investing in their relationship from day one; whether for advice on fitness, parenting, finances or marriage, people flock to bookstores, websites, workshops and experts. It's proactive to say, "Hey, let's find out how to make our union as loving as possible to circumvent stumbling blocks." Some men get upset when they feel their wives are too busy and not paying adequate attention to them. They feel they come last in the matter of priorities with their wives. They also complain of their wives been emotionally unavailable. These kinds of attack don’t get positive results. Husbands should learn a new technique called the ‘softened start-up,’ which encourages broaching difficult topics in a non-accusatory way, such as saying: "Remember the evening last month when we cuddled and talked? That was so nice. How can we do more of that?"
Intending couples should before marriage, attend different Youth Forums, Singles Forums or do intensive research on Marriage through various search engines on the internet; especially sites that focus on the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.
Make a good marriage great from the start by learning helpful relationship skills taught through couples' workshops.
The 10 Myths listed above are to act as guidelines, as there are much more myths surrounding the marriage.
Our advise to couples is to remember that your spouse is someone who you can go through life with, depending and relying on — and that takes time; you may not tell your spouse everything, but it doesn't mean you are not close.
Don’t take your spouse for granted, if you can't rely on them, who can you rely on? And of course, don't treat them like an old shoe. This is really very important when you build trust in a relationship that you can rely on the person but you don't take advantage of their love and their commitment. You still consider them and treat them very specially.
You want to feel secure in your relationship but at the same time, you have to show them how much you count on them and rely on them. Nobody wants to be taken for granted — everyone wants to be appreciated. You have to let the person know they are appreciated. Don't assume they know you appreciate them — even if you say "Thank you" or "I don't know how to do it without you." Let them know they are the person you want to be with, and you have to remind yourself why you are with them. Remove yourself from seeing the dirty T-shirts, the weight gain - sometimes it's hard to focus on what's positive, but always remind yourself what a great person they are.
You can both agree to disagree. You will have to learn on your own and utilize the available resources around you. Follow a simple system in building positive marriage skills.
3 comments
by Divine Stephen
added almost 2 years ago
OMG dis is splendid, excellent.
Thanks to you.
by aderonke
added almost 2 years ago
Appreciated.thanks
this is good, we are never too young or too old to learn...