There is a saying that a lot of us have heard as regards Nigerian weddings: Our marriage, their wedding.

When it comes to weddings in Nigeria, we all know how everything has to be done by the families, to be specific, the mothers/ aunties/ generally the elderly women in the family.

I once read an article in an edition of Wedding Planner titled “Because mommy said so”, where a bride decided to go with her mother-in-law’s choice of caterer that was recommended by a friend. Now because it was “mommy’s good friend” who recommended the caterer, they went ahead and used the said caterer without any trials or proper references and recommendations, and lo and behold an Item 7 disaster was born! 

These days wedding planners have taken over the duties that belonged to mothers back in the day. The issue is not whether or not you want your mom handling your wedding plans but how to make her feel like she is still an important part of the planning process if you do decide to hire a wedding planner.

It got me thinking, how can a bride hire a wedding planner, keep her mom and soon to be mother-in-law feeling like they still run things and manage all this without the moms and wedding planner always having a go at each other?

First of all, you as a bride need to understand that no matter how many planners you hire, your moms and the women folk in your family will always have a say and be a big part of your wedding, both planning and execution wise. 

The idea of a wedding planner is to take the stress off the couple and their families (mothers included) as concerns the planning and execution of a wedding. This is so that the whole family can enjoy the whole process and leave all the running around and stressing to someone else.

So here are a few tips to help you make your mom know she is still the boss.

Explain clearly what you expect of the wedding planner and leave out some duties to be allocated to your mother (helping you with your wedding dress choice, helping with you guest list and stuff like that), so she doesn’t feel like she is just sitting idly doing nothing.

Tell your moms that by hiring a wedding planner, they can do whatever they want and as an added bonus have someone to order around to get things done and also someone to blame when, God forbid, things don’t go according to plan.

Always make sure that your moms know about and attend the meetings with the planner. This way she feels very much like a part of the planning process. 

Expect a few hassles from time to time and figure out how to compromise with both your mother and the wedding planner. Also note that most planners are very good people managers and can handle themselves, all they need from you is all the information on how to placate your mother (things to say and not to say and stuff like that).

Allow your moms feel like they are making decisions by asking their opinions when you have to make choices.

If they are really keen on planning something on their own, then your last resort would probably be to let them plan the traditional wedding and have them agree to leave the white wedding to your planner.

Most importantly, remember that your mother is happy and proud that you have gotten to this part of your life and only wants to make sure that everything goes as smooth and as extravagant as it possibly can. During the whole process try and have a time out for lunch or dinner with your mom, and if possible mom-in-law to be. This way you can swap secrets, stories, ideas and even let them vent about the whole planner thingy.

Let them know that no matter who plans the wedding, it is also their day as much as it is yours and that they do have a right to relax and let someone else do all the heavy duty work.

Truth is in real life, we can never really have our way when it comes to our mothers and wedding plans, but at least we can always reach a compromise.