People say opposites attract and though we may never know how true or how much of a fact that is, the fact remains that people will always be attracted to each other.
Whether it’s with an exact opposite or with someone who is like just like you, the fact remains that when two people come together in matrimony, there is a lot of change & adapting, giving & sacrificing, letting go & accepting that needs to take place. Living together with someone will bring you face to face with all sorts of differences you weren't aware existed between the two of you prior to marriage.
Nevertheless, the meeting of a neat freak and a slob can be a volatile combination in a household, as one person runs about tidying up what the other person believes doesn't need to be touched. Coming together on common ground can take time but it is possible!
Every couple deals with things in their own way, but here are some upfront ways to get through living with an exact opposite when you are a neat freak or a slob:
TALK about it
Please note that as relates to this first and very important step, TALKING is the action word. Yelling, blaming, accusing, and all other negative forms of verbal communication are completely not allowed.
Instead of accusing or blaming “you always do this or the other...”, try sentences that express how you feel “I feel like this when you do that”. Going about it like this raises the issue of your feelings and will make your partner listen to what you are trying to say.
If you spouse wishes to say something, then you should let them. If your spouse gets defensive, stay calm. Wait until they're done, and then propose your compromises, explaining why you chose those particular habits in a non-HYPERLINK "http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-Accused-of-Flirting" \o "Avoid Being Accused of Flirting"accusing manner. This is a big leap on your behalf because you're acknowledging that you are making a choice to be a neat-freak/slobbish and that you realize that some habits can certainly be changed; be sure to acknowledge this fact openly.
Write a list of the top five things that annoy you the most about your spouse's neat freak/slob habits
It doesn’t need to be five things exactly but writing can give you both an idea of what you are dealing with from each other. Then, write down the ways o compromise on what you dislike about the habit and what you are willing to do as part of the compromise. Doing this will help you put with talking through your compromises especially if backed with factual situations. Example:
• "I dislike how my wife shifts all of my book piles away from the side of my bed. I propose we buy a bookcase to put them in so that I stop making piles and she stops moving them out of the bedroom."
• "I dislike how my spouse washes the towels after every single use. It's a waste of water and I can't bear clean towels every day as they're not soft. I propose that we have a talk about why my spouse needs to do this and to perhaps find a way of keeping my towel unwashed for a week."
Spend some time exploring options for compromise
In the previous tip, you already broached the possibilities for compromise by coming up with your ideas for compromises. You'll need to ask for your spouse's thoughts on compromises and reach agreed a middle ground that fixes up most of the problem for both of you. Don't "http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Free-from-Worry" \o "Be Free from Worry"worry if you need to make several attempts at reaching the right coping space. It's all part of being open with one another and trying out things until the rhythm of your home life together works better.
Make an action plan. In this plan, prioritize which rooms will remain less cluttered than before so that there is a "middle ground" (living room, bedroom, etc.) and set aside one part of the house each in which clutter or total cleanliness is always permitted. In addition, plan to share chores daily or weekly in small amounts (for couples that share chores).
After trying out our compromises for a bit, if the compromises seem unfair to either one of you, go back to the drawing board and renegotiate them. Be open, and realize that old habits die hard. Both of you will need to leave room for erring and reorienting doing the things that you're used to doing "just so or just like that".
Don't over stress if your partner is unwilling or unproductive with the compromises
Show them the compromises work. If they start to falter, hold up your side of the compromise and in doing so, help them to notice that it's important to you, and as such, should be to them. This is about your relationship, after all.
Keep in mind that progress is measured differently by the neat freak and by the clutter slob. For the slob, clearing up takes a lot more time and effort, and includes a lot of emotional churning to deal with the clutter. For the neat freak, anger can build up into resentment that things aren't improving fast enough and it's important to learn to stifle the criticism and to control the frustration realizing that the time needed is probably longer than the neat freak would like.
Keep another factor in mind: the neat freak may get more results in less time through practice and know-how. Many slobs aren't lazy, they try just as hard as neat freaks but don't have as much experience or do not feel the need to try and make the extra effort. Observe the ways each partner does the same chore at a time when that partner's in a good mood and motivated to do a good job. Time it. Discuss methods of cleaning. Military people often clean much faster and more efficiently than civilians because they're taught how in basic training.
Be patient
Change takes time. Realize that this is a gradual process; neither of you can make a decision to no longer be a neat freak or a slob because that characteristic as a whole is made up of very many little parts, each one needing tackling. The most important thing is to tackle the particular habits that cause either of you to feel discomfort, unhappiness, or outright annoyance and to learn to live with the rest.
Look for the silver linings – there are many. For example, a neat freak keeps things tidy and in good shape so that you can receive those visitors and don't succumb to hoarding too much. And a slob lets a neat freak learn to let down their hair now and then and not worry so much if the sofa cover is slightly awry or the books aren't dusted this week. Both of you have a wonderful opportunity to learn much from one another about compromise, acceptance, and learning to love the negative parts about ourselves we often try to bury.
Don't give up, but don't be too stubborn. Keep your mind open to your spouse's feelings, but stay firm on your own.
Don't criticize your partner's attempts to change when they're not immediately successful or doing things your way. It's as emotionally hard for a neat freak to lighten up as it is for a slob to start cleaning up. Watch for progress and encourage it, show your appreciation.
Some chores need not be shared. Keeping the living room acceptable for visitors is a shared chore both benefit from. Hanging everything in the closet exactly by color and length is more personal to the neat freak, so it becomes the neat freak's responsibility to keep it that way. The office can be cleaned but the desk top needs to be left alone for the messy-desk thinker to function. Dividing all chores fifty-fifty is not always the best solution.
Spend some free and relaxed timed with your partner
A weekend is a good time or perhaps during a vacation when you both don’t have to go anywhere or are not entertaining and you don’t need to bother with the little details about cleanliness. Such a time can help ease both your nerves and allow you to calm down and just be with each other. Try not to bring up the cleanliness issue at this time as this should be a time set aside for just relaxing and spending time with each other.
The Big picture
Ask yourself can you just live with him/her or can you not live without him or her?
That's a very important question to ask yourself so you enter with every awareness and not quit in the middle.
All the best in your quest.